Ever feel like your circle of friends is so small that the people you might be attracted to feel more like brothers or sisters than potential dating material?
Back when I was religiously attending munches in Los Angeles I started to feel exactly that way. One would think LA would be large enough that munches wouldn't ever lose their appeal as a venue for trying to find some sort of true love but that happened to me. Maybe it was a side-effect of what some call "sub frenzy," when a submissive person just jumps in to serving as the sub in every scene they can, with any dom/me they come across.
It was like having my cake, eating it, and then having a dozen people lick the icing off me every time there was a scene party or event. I loved it. I was drowning in cake. I was so happy. Then I got pretty exhausted. And over-familiar with these people to the point that I thought of them as family, as my support group, as people I couldn't get romantically involved with.
I suppose I ought to regret my sub frenzy period, but I really don't. It was a cathartic release after ten years of marriage to a man who was rarely interested in sex and it had to be vanilla. I had been all alone with all my kinky ideas and the only thing keeping me in the marriage was my own submissiveness.
Drowning in cake, my friends, was bliss. But even blissful moments come to an end, and I found myself wanting something even more than cake: someone to eat it with on a daily basis. Someone who liked the same cake flavor and the same icing and maybe even preferred fresh strawberries on top.
I don't believe in soul mates. Maybe that's another reason the marriage lasted so long -- I thought I could make it work because love comes in so many forms, there are so many potentially "right" matches. But even if that line of thinking caused me trouble in one marriage, it certainly provided me with more opportunities, first at the munches and then online.
Feeling like the entire Los Angeles BDSM & kink crew were too much like family, I decided to look online. It seemed like the entire internet was made for me just when I needed it: Tumblr, Facebook, FetLife. . . so many venues for finding dominants. I realized that my period of sub frenzy had brought me at least on gift: I now knew what kind of dominant I'd mesh with best. I knew what I wanted and had all these places to look.
Tumblr ended up being the place where I found the dominants my whole being responded to. But this is where sub frenzy might have steered me wrong. I was blinded by cake (hah, I don't think anyone's used that phrase before) to some red flags when I allowed myself to be collared by a dominant who didn't have my best interests in mind. While a scene party in LA is going to have a lot of guardian angels making sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual, on Tumblr you're pretty much on your own. I erred. I'm still recovering from my mistakes.
But Tumblr was also the place where I met my now-husband. My second chance. I don't really want what I write to end up in the romance genre, but it's kind of difficult to avoid it when all the best kink ends up being a part of what can only be described as an epic love affair spanning a continent and including false starts, blind alleys and confessions of eternal devotion.
From divorcee to sub frenzy to heartache to some sort of redemption. I think I'm ready to tell my story. Mr Myrrh knows I am, anyway, and that's what counts when I wear his collar. So here's to the liberation a collar brings.
Warmly,
Ms Myrrh
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