Non-fiction: "Look at This!"

About fifteen years ago I read "Galatea 2.2," by Richard Powers, a science-fiction, pseudo-autobiographical novel about a university teacher and writer working with a programming/network project, Helen. The story was decent, the characters believable, the writing fantastic in parts, but what stuck with me was the main character's ex-wife, a linguist, who said (and I'm reconstructing the quote from memory because I suck at Google searches; I'm sure it's out there, somewhere), "All language can be reduced to, 'look at this.'"

The main character found that to be a depressing thought, not surprisingly, as that could be taken as a rather dismissive view of language and writing. For a little while, I agreed with him. Over the years, however, I've found myself thinking that's actually pretty cool. There is nothing more awesome than saying the equivalent of, "Look at this!" and having someone else say, "Yeah! Look at that!" That's all of Facebook, Snapchat, the blogosphere and the entire internet summarized in three or four words.

So I wasn't too surprised to read that psychologists, looking for indicators of lasting relationships, have discovered that the quantity of bids for attention (either to themselves or to something else) -- "look at this!" -- and responses to them -- "Yeah, look at that!" -- is the most consistent indicator of the quality and duration of a relationship.

"50 Shades of Grey" didn't attract a huge audience because it had whips and chains in it -- and so many of us wish it hadn't -- but because every bid in it was answered in an overwhelmingly focused way. Romance novels are, at their heart, about bids for attention and whether or not they're answered consistently by the "right" person. They are talking about where the focus is; they are fantasies about worlds in which the focus can always be on the significant other, worlds in which the bidder always has her beloved say, "Yeah! Look at that!"

BDSM and erotic hypnosis provide highly structured relationships, however temporary, in which bids cannot be ignored. In this way, both are far more demanding of individuals than "normal" relationships. It can be difficult to maintain that structure, but it can also make it easier to meet each other's needs to bid and respond in a satisfying way. So, the next time your significant other comes to you with a pair of handcuffs or a swinging pocket watch, you know exactly what to say.

Warmly,
The Author