I adore my husband. I can tell him anything. Like, I have a crush on a girl. It's so embarrassing. Not because she's a girl but because I'm married and in my early forties and I totally want the 20-year old barista at a coffee shop in town to strap on a strap-on and fuck me with it.
She's so nice. She's sweet to my children, friendly with me, noticed our hand-knit hats and scarves, remembers our favorite things to drink.
And she's so cute, with her side mullet and sideways smile and pretty eyes.
And she's a musician and can play, like three or four different instruments, including the ukulele, and I want to tell her we have an uke at our house and maybe she'd like to listen to my youngest play their instrument and she could strum along on the uke and then maybe later, after the kids are asleep, I could go down on her and make her sing.
I'm totally mooning.
I haven't had many crushes since I met my husband and we started dating. I can only think of one, honestly. So these emotions have me questioning myself. Is it part of some sort of mid-life crises, where I'm not really in love with her, but with the idea of being her or of being in my twenties again? Or maybe, having made some huge life changes, I feel free to explore again, tug at doors I'd chosen to close. Maybe it's just a reaction to someone being kind to me in a place where I don't know a whole lot of people, yet. I don't think it's about something lacking in my relationship with my husband. I think it's about feeling this sense of "and" about everything in my life right now; like the life I have is wonderful AND the rest of the world could add to that and make things more wonderful.
Of course, realistically speaking, trying to develop a relationship with a college student probably would not make things more wonderful. It would make things more difficult. Negotiating open relationships is tricky, I've heard, and triads, assuming my husband and her actually like each other romantically &/or sexually, can be high maintenance. She'd have weird, middle-aged people to deal with on top of school and work and music and a social life. How would a social life even work? Yeah, it just doesn't.
There's a word I've recently discovered: pansexual. A pansexual person doesn't seem to care so much about the sex or gender of the people they're attracted to, they're just attracted to them for more reasons than gender, initially.
If I had known that word when I was in my teens and twenties, that's how I would have described myself. Instead, I just tended to say, "I love everyone, regardless." I often had crushes on girls but I never told them because I thought they were straight and I appreciated my relationships with them and didn't want to make things awkward by admitting I had romantic feeling for them. I was more confident with boys. Even so, I only dated a little and kept most of my kink online.
I ended up marrying the man of my dreams not because he was a man, but because he was kind, thoughtful, intelligent, funny, a good listener, adventurous, curious, and genuinely loved me back. He was patient when I said I needed a break from intimacy. He followed me to grad school. He and I wanted the same thing, the same quality of life. If he had been female, I would have loved him just the same. I love him for who he is, not what he is.
I kind of feel the same way about the barista. I tell myself I can't possibly know about all her qualities for those emotions to be legit. And then, there's Dan Savage's point that baristas and other service-industry people get hit on a lot because they're so nice. Well, they're nice because it's their job. They don't deserve to be asked out dates multiple times a day. They deserve to be appreciated for their helpfulness, tipped generously, and treated professionally. So that's what I do for the barista I have a crush on. I try my best to hide my attraction to her.
So don't tell her, okay?
Warmly,
The Author
No comments:
Post a Comment