I killed my iPhone. Just another reason to get angry at the sexism in the world that insists women be sexy at all times.
Fuck me, I was wearing tight jeans with those shallow back pockets that can't hold shit and my butt was facing the toilet -- and the goddamned lid was UP -- when I scootched them down and "plunk," into the toilet went my cell phone.
Lesson One: get in the habit of keeping all toilet lids down until you're ready to sit.
Lesson Two: remove all items from pockets and put on shelf, countertop or floor.
Lesson Three: store iPhone in purse, not back pocket, when wearing tight jeans.
Lesson Four: don't wear tight jeans with nonfunctional back pockets if you intend to use a toilet, or iPhone, at any point.
Lesson Five: never throw away operational analog devices such as a wrist watch. (Lesson 5a: the internet always has the answer to technical issues like, "How do I correct the day/date on my analog watch that I haven't worn for, like, ten years?")
Lesson Six: scratch that thing about not wearing tight jeans. They're fucking sexy. Wear them. With a thong. And high heels. And a see-through top. And a collar. Turn those stupid, decorative back pockets to your advantage: store a bullet vibe in it, instead of an iPhone, and see what happens when you wriggle your ass out of the jeans (not anywhere near a toilet) and the vibe falls to the floor and your partner's all, like, "Whoa, that's fucking sexy. Here, let me help you insert that in the right spot, baby."
Warmly,
The Author
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