I have had the opportunity to build around myself a fairly liberal life and sense of the world. It's rather like a fairytale. I know it isn't a true reflection of what is happening around me, outside my home. I live in a fairly conservative city and I'm sure that many people here would be scandalized by the fact that I spend a lot of my time writing erotica, looking at porn, and having awesome, kinky sex with my husband. But I've decided that I don't care about their potential to be scandalized. That decision, alone, provides the ramparts of my castle.
Though I don't care about their opinions, I do care about my privacy. As much as I share on this blog, I don't share everything about my life. And as much as I share with friends in my daily life, I don't share everything with them. Not because I'm embarrassed or afraid, but because I like my privacy.
There is a certain freedom that comes with anonymity. I'm fairly certain that 99% of visitors to this blog have an online alias, so I don't need to go into details about that freedom. At its heart, it's about the complete lack of judgement we encounter, or, if we do encounter some sort of judgement, it doesn't carry over into our "real" lives.
Telling people I write erotica opens me up to being judged. And, while I'm not very fearful of possible social repercussions, there are some people whose judgement of me I'd like to avoid.
So, who does know me and my alias?
Mr Myrrh knows (and reads), my mom knows (and has read some of my nicer stories in the past, but probably not recently), and three or four friends know (and haven't told me if they've read my stuff). And, going the other way, three or four online friends know my real name and details of my offline life. I'm not good at keeping secrets.
I might have gotten a little bit savvier about which bits I share, though. I came out in a recent conversation with newish friends and, while I shared the EMCSA site info when they specifically asked for it, I laughingly said I wouldn't share my blog info with them until we'd known each other longer. I see a big difference between sharing my fiction and sharing my non-fiction (which I write not to gloat about my awesome sex life, but to show that normal people enjoy sex, can engage in kinky stuff safely, and, hopefully, encourage other normal people to explore things they're interested in without fearing that life-as-we-know-it will cease to exist).
I'm working on feeling less insecure and apologetic about these different aspects of myself, and understanding that, when it comes to fiction, just because I write this stuff doesn't mean I AM or DO this stuff. Just like action movie script writers don't regularly engage in car chases in real life.
It's true that learning a friend writes erotica might change one's opinion of said friend, but so does learning they're a vegetarian, or a gun fanatic, or a Republican. Family members aside, if someone's going to judge me for writing fiction of a certain kind, I'm not interested in having them as a friend. I'm too old, and there are too many other people to meet & befriend, to give a fuck.
My circumstances probably make it less likely that I'd pay much, socially or economically, for admitting to writing smut. There are the mitigating factors of being a generally nice person who doesn't engage in illegal activities, plus I'm white, married and in my 40's; it's easier for others to label me straight & monogamous & "safe," and they'd be 2/3's right (since I identify as pansexual). And I don't have a job to worry about. The biggest loss could be that some parents might not let their children play with mine.
I think coming out as a smut writer carries more potential negative social ramifications for younger, single, employed women, especially if they've already inherited the short end of the social stick in other ways. But then I think of Anais Nin, who seemed utterly unashamed and unabashed, and I want all the women in the world to be that way: head-up, headstrong, determined to be themselves in the face of the patriarchal system that wants to smash them down.
Then again, privacy is a wonderful thing. Secrets are nice. And one's own creative ideas, processes, and products shouldn't have to be thought of as public property much less as commercial endeavors. We shouldn't feel forced to share personal aspects of ourselves, and pay the price for it, just to prove someone else's point.
All that to say: anonymity is a tool I've used to help me build my liberal and liberating nest and, hopefully, help readers of my stories and this blog see the benefits of playing and experimenting, imagining and exploring.
Warmly,
Ms Myrrh
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